What Should We Agree To?

The predicaments that we human beings find ourselves in and the frustrations that we impose upon ourselves and each other are unending. Dr. Phil and Oprah Winfrey are two of the premier television personalities today. They proffer advice on every kind of personal and family problem.

Before them were Dear Abby and Anne Landers. The “Dear Abby” column was started in 1956 by, Pauline Phillips. Pauline began the column three months after her twin sister, Esther , took over the “Ask Anne Landers” newspaper column. The twins were inseparable growing up but after Esther began writing the “Ask Anne Landers” column, Pauline allegedly offered the “Dear Abby” column to the Sioux City Journal, the sisters' hometown newspaper, at a reduced rate, if they agreed not to run Ann Landers. Thus began a feud that continued for some forty five years.

A lesson here. Those who give advice are often in need of some themselves. When I was a student studying Psychology I discovered that suicide rates among psychologists and psychiatrists are significantly higher than among the population at large. The pedophilia scandal involving Catholic priests has almost bankrupted the Catholic Church in the last decade. Before that there were televangelists caught with prostitutes; the number of gay bashers who have turned out to be closet homosexuals is legion. The other night on television was a discussion of the quandary that the Republican social conservatives have concerning the current roster of leading contenders for the Republican nomination. It seems that all of them have either been divorced or have been caught in an extramarital affair. Hypocrites, perhaps, but advice givers, whether they be politicians, news commentators, ministers, rabbis or priests, or, indeed, leaders of any kind, ultimately, all find themselves in the same boat. They have no choice, they can’t help themselves – Calvinists would say that they are all sinners – perhaps – but I would be more charitable and simply acknowledge that they are all human beings – none are perfect, and none have the right to proclaim that they are any more holy, any more pure, any more righteous that anyone else.

In spite of this many offer some good common sense advice. Even so, I was somewhat skeptical about spending four evenings discussing a book that seemed to be simply another source of (ho hum) “popular advice”. Interesting, perhaps, but worth four evenings? Well, Louise signed up for the series that was being offered at the church and I thought that I would tag along.

You may have heard of the book. It is “The Four Agreements” by Don Miguel Ruiz , who claims to be one of a long line of “Toltec” shaman. According to Ruiz , the Toltecs were, a Mexican group of “women and men of knowledge” that flourished thousands of years ago. Ruiz tells us that he is continuing the traditional teachings of his ancestors. There are, indeed, Toltec ruins in Mexico , but we know little about their culture. Whether Ruiz is a shaman or not what he claims is secret knowledge must ultimately be accepted or rejected on its own merits.

My first reaction was to discount the book as being something akin to a Hallmark card. Like many books to be found in a Hallmark store It was small, thin and a quick read. As I read the first few pages, it seemed to me as simplistic as I had feared. And redundantly wordy! But, since I had agreed to attend the discussions I plowed ahead. After a few more pages I discovered that there was more here than meets the eye. And so I continued to read. It struck me that the advice seemed to be less like Dear Abby and more like Jesus’ Beatitudes or the Buddha’s Eightfold Path. It seemed something like Jesus’ assertion that one should “turn the other cheek” and “love one’s enemies”. Rather than telling one how to deal with a pain in the neck husband it provided a path like the Buddha’s “Right Speech”, “Right Thought” and “Right Action”. I ended up becoming so impressed that I agreed to facilitate the final class when the leader’s mother became ill and he was unable to continue.

While it might be stretching it a bit to compare Ruiz with Jesus or the Buddha, I would like to tell you something about what Ruiz wrote this morning. Ruiz begins with the background of where, according to him, we come by our understanding of who we are and how we relate to the world. He explains that when we were children we “didn’t have the opportunity to choose our beliefs, but we agreed with the information that was passed to us” by our parents, teachers and other humans. “The only way to store information is by agreement”, he writes. He continues that; “As soon as we agree, we believe it, and this is called faith. To have faith is to believe unconditionally. That's how we learn as children. Children believe everything adults say. We agree with them, and our faith is so strong that the belief system controls our whole dream of life. We didn't choose these beliefs, and we may have rebelled against them, but we were not strong enough to win the rebellion.”

If our parents tell us that we are a “good girl” we believe them and if they tell us we are a “bad boy” we believe that too. When we follow their rules we get rewarded and when we disobey we are punished. We learn what is a man and what is a woman and we, ourselves, begin to make the same judgments. “. . . we form an image of what perfection is in order to be good enough.” We attempt to be perfectly good and we accept what others tell us about ourselves such as whether we are “too fat” or “not smart enough” or “can’t throw a ball”. “We are never going to be perfect. Not being perfect, we reject ourselves.”

Ruiz then proceeds to provide four agreements that he believes will allow us to overcome the negative aspects of what we have come to accept about who we are. These four agreements, Ruiz teaches, can free us from much that ails us, that frustrates us, that creates problems in our lives.

The first ‘agreement’ is to “Be impeccable with you word”.

‘Impeccable’, it turns out, literally means ‘without sin’. Being impeccable with your word means not only always telling the truth but, also, avoiding gossip, empty promises and using words in ways that cause problems for others and ourselves. We need to say only what we mean, and realize that we can cause damage if we're not careful with what we say. This is difficult. Even if we do not have any intention of causing harm or distress, carelessness can have the same result. If we think that we are “only being honest” and forget that words can be taken out of context and be perceived as hurtful or belligerent we may be causing as much harm as if we intended it.

Words are one of the primary differences between humans and other animals. They are not only used to communicate information, but also emotions. We often don't realize the power of our words and don’t see the harm that can be caused by speaking carelessly, thoughtlessly or aggressively. Most of us are aware that screaming at someone may be upsetting to them, but subtle little digs at them, or gossip behind their backs, can hurt others more than we realize. Words are so powerful that in the New Testament John equates the “Word” with Jesus. The Gospel of John begins: “In the beginning was the “Word” and the “Word” was God and the “Word” was with God”.

The thing that convinced me that Ruiz was onto something was when he explained how we, without meaning to, can cause a great amount of damage to those that we hold most closely. When someone makes a mistake, say spilling milk or leaving the cap off of the shampoo bottle, once they recognize the problem that has been caused, they feel guilty and can accept whatever punishment seems appropriate. But, all too often, in addition, they might be reminded about the mistake a thousand times. This is the same as being punished a thousand times.

Louise and I had a little plastic lid that we used to prevent food from splashing in the microwave oven. One day, Louise took it off and put it on the electric stove top without thinking. As luck would have it the stove top was still hot from boiling water for tea. The side of the plastic cover quickly melted. She felt badly and whenever we used it in the future the melted side reminded her of her mistake. That was bad enough. But I would also, regularly, remind her to make sure not to place anything that is not a pot on the stove. Not once, not twice, not even a dozen time but, perhaps, thousands of times. I didn’t mean anything by it. I was just reminding her to not make the same mistake again. But, when I read about being “impeccable with your word” I realized that I was treating her like a child, that by being careless with my words I was punishing her over and over.

The second ‘agreement’ is “Don’t take anything personally”.

This 'agreement' deals with understanding that other people's behaviors are a reflection of them only. When someone gives us feedback about us, it is important to remember that no opinions are truly objective; we all have our biases and filters through which we view the world. Because of this, we shouldn't take anyone else's view of us or our actions as entirely accurate. When someone says something about us (or anything else), they're really saying something about themselves and how they view the world.

We are prone take everything personally. Yet, if we take every bit of criticism and rejection as a refection only on what we have done or said and not recognize that there are others who also have their own agendas we could become paralyzed and unable to speak or to act.

When I was a senior in high school the school play was a production of “Carousel”. I knew that I was no actor and couldn’t carry a tune so I decided that I would try out to be one of the male dancers. (Don’t laugh) Alas, once the six names were posted my name was not on the list. I was disappointed but not really surprised. I knew that I was not much of a dancer so I didn’t take it personally. A week later the teacher who was choreographing the play came up to me and told me that one of the dancers had quit and would I like to take his place. I was delighted. I worked very hard and was able to do the dances OK (no Fred Astaire , but OK). At the dress rehearsal the dancers were asked to join the chorus for the clambake scene so that the stage would be full of picnicers. I took my place and sang “It’s been a real nice clambake” along with everyone else. Halfway through the song the director stopped the orchestra and looked straight at me. He said “just move your lips!” I was not only embarrassed but devastated. I was really enjoying singing with everyone. I understood – I never have been able to carry a tune – but it was awfully difficult to not take it personally. But, after all, for the good of the production, I had to keep my sour notes to myself so I did - until the last performance – I just couldn’t help myself!

We too often refrain from separating ourselves from our product. An architect is not the building that she designed, even though she might take pride in it; the ceramic bowl is not the potter; the lecture is not the professor, the meal is not the chef, the potato is not the farmer, and, most importantly, the sermon is not the minister.

The third ‘agreement’ is ‘Don’t make assumptions’.

Understanding that other people might have different motivations for their actions, even drastically varying world views, and remembering to really try to understand others and discuss these motivations before jumping to conclusions about their behavior, can go a long way toward preventing interpersonal conflict. Again, taking this advice to an extreme may cause people to ignore their intuition about people, or common sense about someone's behavior that's damaging. It can also open people up to manipulation if we always believe someone's explanation of negative behavior rather than judging the behavior on its own.

When I was in graduate school a very famous professor of mine completely turned me off. His lectures were muddled and I was very disappointed with his classes in general. The next year, I discovered, he was placed on medical leave and checked into a hospital for treatment of Alcoholism. (I was too young and inexperienced to have recognized the problem when I was in his class.) Before I took his class I had purchased his book which was supposed to be a classic in the field. I didn’t have an opportunity to read it until a couple of years later. As soon as I began reading it I could almost hear his voice in the words on the page. After only a few pages I could take it no longer and put the book down, never to pick it up again. In retrospect, I realize that the book was written by a man that was clear headed and unaffected by alcohol, but I couldn’t move on. I was stuck with the experience of being bored and frustrated by his lectures. It was my loss!

Since we are all human and imperfect, even if we know, acknowledge and believe that we should follow Ruiz’ four agreements we often find that we miss the mark. So the fourth agreement is important to keep in mind and understand as a safety net to all of the others. It is “Always do your best”.

By this, Ruiz means to do the best that you can at any given moment. Some days, our best isn't as good as other days, and that's okay. As long as we put an honest effort into it, we need have nothing to be ashamed of, and need not 'beat ourselves up' over a less-than-stellar performance.

We need to not only “always do our best” but also recognize that we will fail sometimes and, maybe, frequently. None of us is perfect.

Like the pronouncements of Jesus , the four agreements must be understood as something to strive for, not something that one can do all day every day. Accepting not being perfect and that everyone makes mistakes makes each of the four agreements more reasonable as a goal to strive toward rather than as rules that once broken condemn us to eternal damnation.

When I led the discussion of these four agreements I ended the class with asking the class if there were other agreements that they might wish to add. Small bits of advice, of words to live by, that would help us along our imperfect paths.

I suggested one that is similar to what Jesus said when he said that his followers should “Let the dead bury the dead and follow me”. Mine was “Don’t be held captive by the past – move on”.
Although, it is true you can never unbreak an egg, you can right the overturned table by setting it back on its legs. If we recognize that none of us is perfect, if we strive to always do our best, we can stop beating ourselves up. When we have harmed someone we need to apologize, learn from our mistakes, accept our limitations and move on. Confession in the Christian tradition and asking forgiveness in the Jewish Rosh Hashanah-Yom Kippur tradition is the recognition that apologizing and seeking forgiveness is an important spiritual practice.
Life is an ever flowing river, we are always moving from the past to the present to the future. Remembering the past provides context and continuity with the present and informs us as we move into the future, but must we be imprisoned by the past? Do we necessarily act and react the same today or tomorrow that we did yesterday? Maybe yes, and maybe no. Just because we (or they) made a mistake yesterday are we (or they) necessarily going to make the same mistake today? It is difficult to always behave as we wish even though we know that we should.

We need to see people and events as fresh each day. We need to “let the dead bury the dead” so that we can profit from the present and be open to the future. Have you ever noticed that children seem to have much more joy and delight in small things that we take for granted and experiences that we boringly report as “been there, done that”. We so often allow the past to place a shadow on the present and the future. We need to allow the past to inform us and caution us but not blind us to the present and the future.

Other suggestions were: “leave only footprints”, “walk humbly”, “practice the art of apology.” There are, undoubtedly, many more agreements that we can and should make as we strive to live lives of value, worth and dignity. There are certainly many more basic tenants of living a healthy life. Perhaps you can come up with some of your own. Send them to me in an email and, if I get enough, maybe I’ll put a list in the newsletter.

The Buddhists found that short lists could be more easily recalled. In Buddhism is to be found the Four Noble Truths, Five Precepts and the Eightfold Path. Here we have a new short list of agreements that also are worth memorizing and seeing how far we can venture and explore.

This short list of four agreements from Don Miguel Ruiz

1) Be Impeccable With Your Word

2) Don’t Take Things Personally

3) Don’t Make Assumptions

4) Always Do Your Best

Supplemented by my own of:

5) Don’t be held captive by the past – move on

And the classes:

6) Leave only footprints

7) Walk humbly

and

8) Practice the art of apology

Gives us a place to start.