Forgiving and Forgetting
Last Wednesday began the most holy time of year for those of both the Muslim and
the Jewish faiths. For Muslims, it
was the beginning of the month of Ramadan. Ramadan
is the ninth month of the Muslim calendar. It is during this month that Muslims
observe the Fast of Ramadan. Lasting for the entire month, Muslims fast during the
daylight hours and in the evening eat small meals and visit with friends and family.
It is a time of worship and contemplation. A time to strengthen family and community
ties.
Last Wednesday was also the first day of Rosh Hashanah, the Jewish New Year. Rosh
Hashanah is followed, a week later, by Yom Kippur, the Jewish Day of Atonement.
On Rosh Hashanah, according to Jewish tradition, God opens up three books: one very
thin book lists the names of all of those who have been righteous the previous year
and who are, thus, insured of another year of life – it is called the “Book of Life”. A second very thin book contains the
names of those who have sinned so thoroughly that no amount of repentance could
redeem them. This is the “Book of Death”
which is the list of those who are condemned to die in the coming year.
A third book is by far the thickest: it is where almost all of us would find
our names. This book contains the names
of those who, though they may have committed offenses against others, the community
or God, are given an opportunity of redemption.
The ancient Hebrews understood their covenant with God as an agreement that the
entire community was responsible for.
It was not, like Christianity, an individual that needed to be purified in order
to be saved but the entire community.
A transgression by any one member tainted all.
To make an individual confession to a Rabbi or Priest was insufficient. The one who had make a transgression
against someone had to actually confront the person and ask forgiveness of that
person. And the victim was equally
obligated to forgive the sinner. For
both the transgressor and the victim it wasn’t just about them personally, it was
for the sake of the entire community – that “Israel
may be cleansed”.
Every year, at the time of the New Year, every member of the Jewish community needed
to look back upon the previous year and seek out each and every person who had been
cheated, lied to, spoken harshly to, or in any way wronged, and ask forgiveness. Once this is performed by everyone and
the forgiveness provided by everyone, the community as a whole is cleansed and able
to begin the New Year with a clean slate.
It is to be noted that those not immediately involved were also obligated to accept
the apology of the sinner. The entire
community thus cleansed itself in its eyes as well as in God’s eyes.
There are always slights or misunderstandings or different interpretations of what
has transpired between two people.
Have you ever used a nickname for someone affectionately and discovered later that
they were offended by it – considered it belittling?
Or simply not seen someone at an event and that person confronts you the
next day with “why did you ignore me and turn the other way in the store yesterday?” Try as we might, we are often oblivious
to the affect that our actions have on others.
For the ancient Hebrews, this was a difficulty.
How were they, as a nation, to maintain their covenant with God, maintain
their status as God’s “chosen people”, if there were those who failed to be diligent
about asking forgiveness, not out of malice or stubbornness but out of ignorance? The solution was to be found in the
Book of Leviticus 16:21-22.
16:21 And Aaron [the priest] shall lay
both his hands upon the head of a live goat, and confess over him all the iniquities
of the children of Israel, and all their transgressions in all their sins, putting
them upon the head of the goat, and shall send him away by the hand of a fit man
into the wilderness:
16:22 And the goat shall bear upon him
all their iniquities unto a land not inhabited: and he shall let go the goat in
the wilderness.
This goat was referred to and has come
down to us today as the “scapegoat” – the goat that was made to escape with all
of the transgressions of the community.
All of the sins of the Hebrew people that had not been confessed and forgiven were,
thus, cast away with the goat. This
was a powerful ritual. So powerful
that it is the origin of the Christian idea that the death of
Jesus
on the cross could take away all of our sins and that we could be saved through
Jesus
, human/god scapegoat.
Like the people of ancient
Israel
, pious Jews of today understand that they need to go to those whom they have wronged
and ask forgiveness, and equally that the forgiveness must be given.
Rabbinic Judaism, the only kind that has
existed since the destruction of the temple in
Jerusalem
in 70 AD is not a religion that requires a synagogue.
Although there are indeed synagogues and temples throughout the world today
Rabbinic Judaism is a home religion, a little like “home schooling.”
There are not holidays or celebrations that cannot be performed or celebrated
in the home as long as there are 10 (traditionally) men (but now also women) to
compose the “minion”. Because of this,
growing up in a Jewish home, though we didn’t attend synagogue and considered ourselves,
in fact, agnostics, a general understanding of this holiday, as with other Jewish
holidays, was somehow imparted to me.
And it came to pass . . . (I will be a little biblical here) . . . and it came to
pass that, in my mid twenties I was working for one of my uncles as his warehouse
manager. This uncle, by marriage, not
by blood, was about as close to Archie Bunker as you could imagine.
He was likeable, in the way a used car salesman is likeable.
Everyone in my family was amazed that I had taken a job with him, much less
stayed for five years. But I did, even
though he was often exasperating. One
morning, I arrived about 5 minutes late for work.
He knew, immediately, of course, because he was on the phone at precisely
8:00 am every morning. So he, naturally,
chewed me out. I had an excuse, I don’t
remember what it was now but I never had a chance to tell it to him because he never
came up for air. After about ten minutes
of him burning my ear I had, not only an earful, but a belly full as well.
So I did the only thing I could do – I hung up the phone!
Naturally, he called back seconds later and said “if you ever hang up on
me again you’re fired!” So, naturally,
I hung up again! I grabbed my jacket
and walked out of the building and went home.
It felt so good! I felt light
enough to fly. I imagine that this
is the way the slaves must have felt when
Lincoln
freed them! I decided to take a few
days off and just relax before I went looking for another job.
Although I was elated to be free of that job there was one problem that bothered
me. Being my uncle, I would, every
so often have to see him again. I couldn’t
just write him off.
It just so happened that this occurred
at this time of year – the period between Rosh Hashanah and Yom Kippur.
I, for the first time, realized what the holiday was all about. I realized that I needed to ask
forgiveness of him. This was not easy. I was still angry at him for countless
minor irritations. But I realized that
it needed to be done. So I picked up
the phone and called him. I told him
that, in keeping with the holiday, (and he was more religious than I) I wanted to
ask forgiveness. He was surprised,
but even tempered and, though we didn’t go into details he not only accepted my
apology but actually apologized to me as well!
He asked me some questions about items that I had left undone when I had
abruptly walked out, I answered them evenly and told him that I would be available
it any other things came up. And we
did continue to run into each other a couple of times a year and continued to maintain
a good relationship.
This contrasted sharply with another family
story that I would like to tell. Perhaps
it was because of the impact that this previous event had on me that it seemed to
me necessary to ask forgiveness of my uncle.
When I was about fourteen my uncle (a
different uncle) called to tell us that my grandmother’s sister from
California
was in
Baltimore
. We all lived in the
Washington, DC
area just about 40 miles away. He said
that we all should travel up there to see her.
This was quit surprising to me because I didn’t know that we had any family
in
California
or
Baltimore
and I didn’t know that my grandmother had a sister.
What was even more surprising was that my father didn’t know it either. And to add to this, we discovered that
she was my grandmother’s identical twin sister.
No one knew. We went up to
Baltimore
and meet her. The meeting was formalistic
and uncomfortable. I don’t believe
that the sisters said more that two words to each other.
Only later did I learn that the twin sisters had not spoken to each other
or about each other for over thirty-seven years.
A quarrel thirty-seven years ago, about what I never could find out, had
resulted in this absolute and complete break.
And, of course, as the Hebrew tradition understood, not only was my grandmother
and her sister deprived of thirty-seven years of contact but our whole family had
never had contact with her whole family, though most of them lived only about 40
miles away. If my grandmother and her sister had been able to heal their breach
before it had turned to stone I suspect that after 37 years the cause would have
long since been forgotten. In our humility,
we need to prevent transgressions from festering.
We need to remember that each of us errs and every one of us makes mistakes.
The Jewish model of looking back over
the previous year and attempting to ask forgiveness of everyone that we have wronged
works pretty well if we are only speaking of slights, verbal fights, selfishness
and egotistical behavior. These are
indeed the most common type of transgression that one person can visit on another.
But some transgressions are more serious. Some transgressions are so beyond the pale
that we think of them as actually sinful or even criminal.
It is not so easy to forgive someone who caused great damage and harm, especially
if it was done intentionally and viciously.
This can range from serial killers and terrorists to any one of the transgressions
of selfish individuals who cause harm to others without any concern or compassion. A number of years ago I was summoned
for jury duty. I sat in the jury box
prior to a trial and was asked questions about the upcoming trial and whether I
could be impartial. The accused man
was sitting in the courtroom with his lawyer.
He was a quite unappealing looking man and that became especially true when
I discovered that he was accused of child molestation.
I answered, when asked the question, that I thought that I could look at
the evidence impartially but I wondered to myself if that was really true.
I ultimately was not selected for the jury and I was quite relieved. If he were indeed guilty, could I forgive
this man? Could the parents forgive
this man? I didn’t know at the time,
but I was to find out a couple of years later.
When a new congregation was being formed
near our home my wife,
Louise
, decide to assist them with programming by forming a book club.
They met once a month in each other’s homes and discussed a wide range of
liberal religious and liberal political books, as well as some quality novels. It was a small group of eight to ten
members. About two years after they
had begun meeting one of the members, who attended regularly with his wife, was
accused of just this type of crime.
He was not accused of causing physical injury but he was accused of inappropriate
touching. Although he was at this point
only accused, not convicted, the Unitarian Universalist church connected with the
book club immediately banned him from all church activities.
The book club, which was made up of adults only and met in member’s homes,
not the church, was also banned, because the club allowed him to continue to attend. No announcements or invitations to join
the book club could be placed in the church newsletter and no mention of the book
club was to be made at the church.
The book club, of course, could not identify itself with the church in any way.
The book club was composed of the man
accused (I’ll call him
Jake
) and his wife, the church treasurer and his wife, two retired women, the elderly
widow of a famous UU minister, who is also quite well respected denominationally
wide, in addition to
Louise
. This minister’s widow, who had just
been awarded an Honorary Doctorate from
Meadville
, wrote to the board in protest the ban.
The letter was kept by the young minister in his first church and not delivered
to the board. (What a way to begin
ones ministry!)
When
Jake
, an active UU for over 40 years, and his wife requested permission to attend other
congregations in the area every UU church, and there are over a dozen, also asked
him to not attend. One church did permit
him to attend but only with a personal chaperone that needed to be arranged ahead
of time and had to be with him everywhere he went including the parking lot.
After a couple of years of making its
way through the justice system, Jake was, indeed, convicted and sentenced to two
years in jail. The judge said that
he wanted to sentence him to many more years but was constrained by sentencing guidelines. He did, however, in his sentencing remarks,
said that
Jake
’s entire life was forfeit and that anything that he had done in the past or would
do in the future must be considered valueless.
Jake
’s wife and two sons who were with him could not hold back the tears.
For them, this was and could not be true. While he was in jail
Jake
continued to participate in the book club through correspondence.
He would keep up with the reading and send lengthy letter through his wife
with his perspective on the book. The
members of the book club in return sent him their comments.
He was released after eight months in jail and was then able to resume his
place in the book club. While he was
in jail I joined
Louise
at the book club.
Louise
insisted that I join the book club which I was reluctant to do.
But
Louise
said that the group needed moral support, so I went.
I met
Jake
for the first time after he had served his sentence.
Jake
looked and acted like . . . any one else.
He was intelligent, articulate, well groomed and personable.
I could not, of course, forget what I knew about him.
I didn’t know the details and didn’t want to know them.
I didn’t feel very comfortable being around a child molester any more than
any of the churches. But I was more uncomfortable with the position of the churches. This was a man who had, indeed, sinned
and sinned grievously. But he was still
a human being. His wife, an equally
intelligent and articulate woman, had stood by him in spite of what he had done. He was not a monster.
He was not unredeemable.
He had paid his debt by spending eight months in jail.
I could not forget what he had done and I was darned sure that I was not
going to allow any children to be around him.
But he was no threat to any of us in the book club.
I couldn’t forget but could I forgive?
Was
Jake
’s transgression, his sin, so grievous that his name had to be entered in the “Book
of Death”? Obviously a number of UU churches thought so.
A couple of years ago he was given permission to move out of state to a retirement
community four states away. He began
attending a UU church in this retirement community.
Somehow word got out and he and his wife were summarily dismissed again. We are a small denomination and I suspect
that anywhere in the country, perhaps in the world, that he goes he might be banned.
The databases and web sites devoted to
tracking down and isolating anyone convicted of any kind of sex crime are state
of the art. If we only has as good
a database on terrorists! Ax murders,
rapists and kidnappers are not tracked.
After they have served their sentences and gotten off of parole they can again become
invisible members of the community who go to work, church and school, shop and get
a haircut without any difficulty. Not
so those on the sex database and web site.
How could it be that this man having
served his time in jail, been released and completed his period of parole will never
be forgiven? And then I had to look
at myself in the mirror. Could I forgive
him? I honestly don’t know, even now.
But what I do know is that he is a human
being with feelings, needs and a sense of justice and morality.
I suspect that, whether or not the church or the community forgives him,
he will never be able to forgive himself.
When UUs think of Hell this is what they often mean - our own internal hell. We all must face up to our own deeds. We have to continue to live with
the wrongs that we have committed in our own gut.
But, what about the community? The Jewish notion of sin that I spoke of
before was not just the sin of the individual who committed the act.
When someone transgresses the entire community is made unclean.
A confession by
Jake
, restitution by
Jake
, punishment of
Jake
, and shunning of
Jake
is not sufficient to cleanse the community.
The community as well as the victim must accept the apology, the just punishment,
and forgive the perpetrator. In this
case we cannot expect the child to bear the burden of forgiving
Jake
but what about the community.
The Jewish perspective
on forgiving is not unique. Close to
the Jewish understanding of justice for dealing with crimes even as disturbing as
child molestation is that of the Community Holistic Circle Healing Program, established
by aboriginal tribes in Canada is a process for dealing with sexual abuse.
It seeks justice and restitution without resort to jails or electric chairs. The program proposes that thirteen steps
be followed:
1) disclosing abuse, by abuser or abused;
2) protecting the victim/child;
3) confronting the abuser;
4) assisting the spouse;
5)
assisting for the family/ies and the community;
6) meeting of the Assessment Team (Native Alcohol and
Drug Addiction Program -NADAP,
Child
and Family Services, volunteers, community health representatives, etc.);
7) abuser admits and accepts responsibility for action;
8) preparing or counseling for the abuser;
9) preparing or counseling for the victim(s);
10) preparing or counseling for the family/ies;
11) convening a Special Gathering, where the Healing
Contract is created;
12) implementing the Healing Contract; and
13) participating in a Cleansing Ceremony.
Is such a program effective, does it provide healing
for the accused, the victim and the community?
Only time will tell, it is too new to judge today.
But at least it is a heroic attempt to heal all involved, even the community,
so the community can begin fresh.
Communities can reconcile just like individuals, when
the spirit is strong and when members choose to reach out to those with whom they've
disagreed.
UU Minister,
Stephen H. Furrer
, tells this story about a UU community:
Before I end I need to talk about forgetting. There is a second Jewish tradition
around the issue of forgetting. This
is invoked at every worship service and especially at the Passover Seder.
“You were slaves in
Egypt
” is the refrain and it is repeated with the entire story of the Exodus from
Egypt
every year – lest ye forget. More recently
the memory of the Holocaust is constantly invoked – lest ye forget.
The Jewish tradition is to never forget because if one forgets the terrible
tragedies that have occurred they will not be vigilant for the signs of a reoccurrence. So, forgiving and forgetting are twin
religious imperatives for those who follow the Jewish religion.
You are obligated to do the former – forgiving – and, at the same time, admonished
to refrain from doing the latter – forgetting.
Forgetting would not only be unwise, it would be impossible.
No, we can not forget. We must
do whatever we can to prevent its reoccurrence.
But at some point, we must forgive.
Is it not enough that
Jake
has his own demons that he must carry with him?
We must not do it for ourselves, but for the community.
The community must purify itself.
Only through communal forgiveness and communal salvation will we all be saved.
Have I forgiven
Jake
? Yes.
Have I forgotten what he did? No.
Should the community make a place for him to live his life in peace and unharassed?
In my opinion, most emphatically, Yes.
May we, at this time of year, look back at our prior
year and seek forgiveness from those that we have wronged.
May we accept and forgive those who have wronged us.
And may we begin the New Year with a sense of justice and healing in our
hearts.
Amen and Shalom